Sometimes No Means Yes!

I’m a recovering “people pleaser”.  I’ve spent the better part of  30 years buying into the notion that being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, wife, mother, employee, ministry leader, etc. means meeting the needs of others in a way that pleases THEM.  No matter what.

When I got pregnant and became a mom of two amazing boys, I had an unexpected anxiety grow within me.  I was afraid of losing myself – of losing the woman I had spent 27 years becoming.  I had this thought in my head:  “These kids aren’t going to change me.  I can still do it all…  I will not lose who I am in the midst of motherhood.”

Owning that notion, I found myself increasingly stuck in a cycle of agreeing to most anything – no matter the cost – in order to feel like I was staying true to “me”.  To feel like I was a good person… To feel like I was loving others well…  To feel like I was a good employee…  To feel like I was serving my church effectively.

I never said “no”.  To me, saying “no” meant that I would have to explain my all of the sudden slip into not being the high achieving woman I had already proven myself to be.  I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do it all… so I just decided to DO IT ALL.

It was a rainy day when I dropped my toddler boys off at daycare so that I could rush to meet a mentor of mine  for breakfast.  I’ll never forget sitting down with my guardian angel mentor… I was so excited to tell her about this new adventure I was getting ready to embark on:  teaching Zumba.

At the time, I was working full time, managing the coffee bar every Sunday at our church, serving on the leadership board of our church, singing with the church’s women’s ensemble, and had a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

She listened, smiled, and then asked me this question, “So what are you going to give up when you add this to your plate?”.  I was stunned.  What kind of question was THAT?!?!

I said, “Nothing!  I love everything that I’m involved with…  all of it serves others and is positive work…  I’m not going to give up anything.”

She smiled and encouraged me to think about it.

A year later, I met her at our favorite coffee joint to confess that my life was a mess.  My marriage was in disarray…  I felt completely disconnected from my role as wife and mother…  and I was exhausted.  She had been right…  and I was ready to concede that I could not and should not “do it all”.

I have journeyed through two years of counseling – rediscovering myself, my husband, and my role as mother to my boys.  I discovered that I was running from those domestic roles, chasing after my goal of maintaining “me”.  The truth is, I have learned that I’m still “me” in this phase of life.  I may not be involved in so many things outside of my family life at home, but I’m VERY involved and effective now within my role as wife and mother.

God has redeemed this recovering people pleaser.  He has redeemed my marriage and view of motherhood.  I’m no longer running from what I thought was a domestic trap, I’m running towards it.

I have learned that saying “no” to outside pressures to please, serve, and give means saying “yes” to my husband and children.

Sometimes your “no” means “yes”.

The next time you say “no”… release the guilt of not pleasing others, and embrace the joy of honoring yourself and your family.

xx

Natalie